TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Great!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely from put. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But yes, absolutely sure, let's have One more location wherever American Adult men can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations unsuccessful below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: offer Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It is that he must prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the job, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Great tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head noticeable from House, a aspect currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not just unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Options


Perhaps the strangest factor in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may well contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Method: "If You Bomb It, They may Come"


The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "in which's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is already attracting focus from Global traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will even consist of:




  • A Trump Tower Damascus Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

Report this page